Case Study: CO2

Ever since the Industrial Revolution in the 1970's, and the levels of CO2 have been increasing in an alarming fashion. Only recently, the effects have shown: Damage to property & great threat to Northern & Southern poles; If the glaciers keep melting, cities will disappear & a new stack of Atlantis-wanna bees will emerge, unwillingly. [1]

Sudden death & drowning aside, this case study focuses on property damage and most importantly, CO2's effects on wooden legs, plus, modern counter-attacks to this dilemma.

It's well-documented that the first wooden leg was first used back when Santa was slim, when one dinosaur was jumping on a rope & up came another and pushed it down the escalator. Baby D got the first wooden leg fixed; Soon, every dinosaur got jealous & started cutting off their feet & fixed wooden legs. Later on that Spring, a flood came down & all drowned because their wooden feet kept floating up & their heads pointing down... [2]

It's no secret that our beloved pirates, who happen to provide us with loads of free music, videos, books & progs, have wooden-legs! That's where they get their special abilities to teleport the source to themselves and then share it to the general public consumers (us).
Unfortunately, our supply of decent & honest pirates is decreasing because of the increasing levels of CO2, which affect their glamerious legs of fortune. Below are common & recommended remedies for pirates & pirate-wanna-bees.

Flamo-Matic

As soon as you feel that your abilities are dwendling, pour GAS on your wooden-wonder, lit it on fire & watch your leg do magic. For maximum output, make sure you cover yourself with GAS as well; That should insure optimum teleporting.

Vasline

This method has been depricated since it encourages "some" acts that result in blindness.

Sharpen-Me, Sharpen-You

That's right, sharpen your magic wand to increase your teleporting focus. You can use it for noodles too!

Bling Bling

Those guys with funky shiny rims are no better than you! Bling your stick with diamonds & jewels till you go blind (or broke).

Finally, a word from our sponsors: "Teamwork: A few harmless flakes working together can unleach an avalanche of destruction" -- despair.com

Sources:
[1] Penthouse Magazine, issue #34, 1956
[2] Discovery Channel, "The Osbournes", 1903